History

Hello to the big confusing world, this is me well a version of who I let people see at least.

So firstly a heads up I have ADHD inattentive type and dyslexia. This could mean that there are typos random grammar mistakes that I'm sure will drive some people nuts. So sorry about that nothing I can do, so if poor grammar, spelling or even scattered writing boils your piss then look away this is not for you.

Breif history diagnosed this year 2023 at the ripe old age of 42. Prior to this my life had been wrapped in pockets of success, achievement and balling shit shows of disaster. ADHD never entered my mind, I didn't search for this diagnosis and while I'm here there is nothing wrong with searching symptoms or thinking you may have ADHD. 

This hyped media shit show of making a diagnosis a 'trend' can go and suck my dick. ADHD in the world we live is not funny memes or squirrel thinking. It's not some scatterbrained hype train full of naughty boys and air headed girls wanting to get off their tits on medical grade speed. Our brains are really different to neurotypical brains or (normies) as I call it don't worry for equality I call myself neurospicy. Mainly because for a dyslexic person typing the correct terminology is a massive ballache and neurospicy sounds cool.

Sorry went off on a tangent, where was I? (scrolls back up to check). Oh my diagnosis.... I work in the medical field went to university and everything. I found out I was dyslexic then in my mid 20's up until that point teachers just thought I was thick, gotta love schooling in the 80's-90's. My life was filled with bouts of diagnosed anxiety and depression where pills were thrown at me like smarties and I was left to get on with it. Although these meds help millions of people I didn't have fucking anxiety or depression which is why they never worked. It's why all I had was side effects and no benifit. The issues I had were still there I was just numbed.

It was the time just after COVID chilled it's tits and stopped causing death and sadness world wide 2022 I fell and oh boy did I fall hard. Drink became my best friend the thing that made it stop. As soon as I got home I would get wasted so I would not see the horrors of COVID in my head night after night. You see now the panic and fear was over I was no longer in full fight or flight. But also out of nowhere I could not function, I could not slap on the mask in society or even now at home to fit in or function to look normal. The true me that I had found ways of hiding over the years was seeping out:

Disorganisation at home and work, missing dealines

Saying EXACTLY what I thought ( this made for some interesting meetings at work)

Distraction, I could not organise any tasks I could not find the methodology I had used before. Missed dealines, house like a horders.

Irritation/anger/rage

Social anxiety spikes (I became a hermit)

Floating between jobs internal and completely new one which lasted max a couple of months. My CV now makes and interesting read.

Impulsive actions and spending.

But I was still working still swimming in the soup of society. In December 2022 a psychiatrist who I was working with said to me " have you ever considered you may have ADHD". I laughed in his face literally laughed in a colleagues face. Thought nothing more of it at the time, but that little seed was planted. That seed didn't pop up again until my relationship broke down early Jan 2023. As we all do I googled for weeks into the night for hours and hours. Then it hit me Jesus this is a possibility, is this what the problem has been all along? I'll do a separate entry about that fun fucknugget of actually getting a diagnosis later. So now here I am diagnosed and on day two of treatment.

Why I'm a writing this? Your guess is as good as mine, is it a hyperfixation? Or just a way to get out to the either how I feel?Time will tell. What it will be is a real representation of my mind (buckle up) as I commence treatment and navigate this world with no fecking clue who I am anymore, or what I want to be when I grow up.